| 30 June 2010
Loyal readers who followed last year's Texas All-Garbage Team have no doubt noticed another rash of UT football shenanigans in the past few months. We at TaW thought it was long overdue for an update, a "where are these douchebags now?" segment, if you will.
Let's start with the feature position, the one who makes the engine purr and the one person who Mack Brown should be prostrate towards every day of his coaching life.
Vince Young
First-team Quarterback
When last we saw VY, he was pouting at home, drowning his sorrows in chicken wings and video replays of UT's 2005 season after taking his ball and going home when booed for the first time in his life. Right on cue, Vince has distinguished himself again, this time at a Dallas establishment that caters to "Gentlemen" (pickup18 can probably tell us the best time for drink specials here and when shift changes are). A good Sooner fan and large human from NE Oklahoma City had the temerity to give VY a ration of shit when the UT icon tried to bigtime him at 3 a.m. Flashing a "Horns down" sign, of which there's never really a bad time to do it, sent VY into an adolescent rage and he tore up the business office the way Cedric Benson (see below) and his homeboys tear up coed's apartments.
Giving credit where credit is due, at least he's trying to shed his shirtless, down-low party image and pretend to actually like chicks these days. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
We commend VY on keeping it real and would ask that he gives PacMan Jones a shoutout for us the next time they're on a motherfucking boat.
Cedric Benson
2nd-team Running Back
Ced the Head was beaten out by Ricky Williams really only because Ricky scores better shit. Ricky's arrest jacket is a lot lighter than Ced's, though (just as Ced's stingy pinners are to Ricky's behemoth blounts). Benson, picked up by the only franchise this side of the Raiders who will take, shall we say, "problem cases," is now in jeopardy of losing his job again after a bar fight at the über-douchy, West Sixth establishment Annie's West in Austin.
According to the Austin police arrest affidavit, Benson was at Annie's West bar in the Sixth Street entertainment district on May 30 when he got into an altercation with another, unknown bar patron that left him spitting blood from a cut lip. After staff intervened, witnesses told police Benson shoved a bar worker and was verbally abusive. After being asked to leave, Benson was escorted to the door.
"As they took him outside, he continued to push and shove," Senior Police Officer Veneza Aguinaga said.
Bartender Bryan White told police that once outside, Benson complained to people passing by that "all these white boys are ganging up on me and kicking me out."
White said he told Benson he wouldn't take time out of his night just to kick him out, then Benson punched him in the face.
Benson has been charged with misdemeanor assault, which carries a penalty of up to a year in jail (as long as it's not full).
As I live walking distance from the scene of this most recent crime scene and have seen the popped collar, juicehead, $30,000 millionaires going in and out of this establishment, let me try and guess how this went down:
Benson enters establishment, starts talking shit like "I'm Cedric Benson, fuck all y'all." A few douchenozzles start proverbially sucking his cock. Actually, probably a lot of them are doing it since, I mean c'mon Ced, you're in FUCKING AUSTIN and you think people are giving you shit? Oh, wait, maybe it's the two DUIs you had within a month in 2008 that has bartenders wary these days. So, after continuing to big time the establishment and being unbelievably more douchy than the regular clientele, he was likely asked to simmer or leave. That's when it became a racial issue to Ced, apparently (abdicating responsibility for his actions, which seems to be a common theme for ex-UT athletes). You know the rest.
A quick recap of Benson's legal difficulties which, remarkably, have yielded the same amount of arrests as his years in the NFL:
2002 - Pot (charges dropped, he was holding it for a friend)
2003 - Breaking and entering (busted down a coed's door "looking for his stolen TV" ... arrested, but not booked into the Travis County Jail because it was "full")
2008 - DUI (on a motherfucking boat)
2008 - DUI (in a motherfucking car)
2010 - Assault and battery
For those keeping score at home, that would be Arrests - 5, Victories over OU - 0.
Sergio Kindle
First team Linebacker
Yeah, I know the Serge played DE his senior year. He was a linebacker previously and is really more of a hybrid rush end/OLB. There are no hybrid positions on the defense on the Texas AGT. If there were, we'd put Ron Weaver McKelvey at every single one of them because, according to his resume, he was an All-American at all 11 positions on the field.
Before we went into beating-our-head-against-the-wall blog hibernation, trying to forget the abominations of the OU football and basketball seasons (Capel, you're on notice), we did document Serge's latest troubles brushes communications with the law (via his attorney) when he decided to turn a UT coed's apartment in West Campus into a parking garage.
Errata
We're still scanning the APD blotters and police radios for the latest busts, which are sure to come as students come back to campus and as the drink specials at J. Black's and Molotov get better. Feel free to forward your submissions should you hear of anything. We will carefully research each one and make completely objective, factual and unbiased analyses.
